You feel like a lesser-version of yourself until you have the first cup of coffee.

  • As for me, if I haven’t had a cup of coffee before 11am, my brain isn’t quite firing on all cylinders. I feel sluggish, my words don’t form as well in conversation, and I’m not as articulate as I normally am. Not only this, but my personality seems like it’s a sad, downgraded version of myself. Simply put—I’m slow, boring, and unfunny.

If you don’t have a cup of coffee before noon, your head feels like it’s going to explode.

  • There’s a magical thing called a “caffeine timeframe”, which means the time where you’re able to drink caffeine before not having any will give you the worst headache you’ve ever had in your life that won’t be killed by Tylenol or Advil. That time for me is noon, or MAYBE 3pm if I slept in way later than I normally do. If I miss my caffeine timeframe, my body turns on me and turns into a migraine war machine. Nobody wants that, either.

On days with little sleep, caffeine only makes you aware, not awake.

  • Once I got 3 hours of sleep (totally NOT writing a paper in college the NIGHT before it was due….because NOBODY does that…ha…ha…) The next day, I drank an entire pot of coffee. The only problem was, this coffee didn’t wake me up at all. I felt lethargic all day still, and only aware of my surroundings instead of falling asleep during class.

The thought of a day without coffee makes you want to weep.

  • Think about it. One day. No coffee.

You may not like Folger’s, but you’ll drink it if that’s all that’s available.

  • If I’m being entirely honest, I’m a bit of a coffee snob. Third wave is my ride or die for life. Unfortunately, not everyone has this high of standards for coffee, which means Folger’s is still the number one brand of coffee sold in America (seriously. Google it). Since many people I know only drink this, I won’t turn it down if I haven’t had any, but I’ll need some honey or creamer to kill off the taste of cigarette ashes and disappointment just to get my fix.

You speak in only guttural noises until you’ve had a cup of coffee.

  • Growing up, I have never been a morning person. Coffee helped fix this. The only problem is, coffee also made first waking up me even more incoherent and grumpy since I haven’t had my coffee yet. Once I’ve had my coffee, I’m chipper and talk at a normal pace.

Employees of coffee shops in your area know you by name / you know what’s happening in your baristas lives.

  • I frequently visit two coffee shops in my area. They know me, and I know them. It feels like you’re famous, even though you were just too busy / lazy to make your own coffee that day.

You believe that the greatest gift in creation was the shrub of the genus Coffea.

  • I believe that God created all things and they are good, but I believe that God REALLY showed us how much He loved us by giving us coffee. Seriously. The Lord knew what He was doing, y’all.

What some people believe to be a concerning amount of coffee per day you consider to be a fair amount to drink.

  • On average, I drink anywhere from 3-6 cups of coffee a day. To me, this is normal. To some people, they think my heart is going to explode. That’s what water and peeing a lot is for though.

Your friends worry you drink too much…coffee…

  • The other day I was on my fifth cup of coffee while I was with a friend. My friend asked, “isn’t that your fifth cup?” kind of judgmentally. It was. They were concerned for me. I’M FINE, OK?