In case you missed it, I ran a marathon on Saturday. Lots of people like to tell you how the marathon was (basically I ran 9 minute miles until mile 23 then had to walk 3 miles), but I’d like to take a moment to tell you about what happens AFTER your first marathon. You finish the marathon, and you’re huffing and puffing. Immediately after, you feel a avalanche of emotions and thoughts. You can’t believe you did it! Then, all of a sudden, the thoughts happen as follows:
WHAT HAVE I DONE???
At this point, your legs are screaming in terror. Your body starts cussing at you, and your legs don’t quite work the same way. Not only this, but you desperately need water, which you guzzle down, only to regret this decision and feel like you might see it again.
TEARS OF JOY!
You suddenly become super proud of the fact that you just ran a marathon. You can’t believe you did it! Your joy overcomes you, and you hold back tears of joy because YOU’RE A MAN, DANGITT, AND YOU DON’T CRY IN PUBLIC (which is a bunch of bullcrap. Click this if you want to know what I have to say on this). After a few short moments of euphoria and happiness whilst stretching…
I NEED TO SIT!
Your legs all of a sudden become the consistency of cooked spaghetti noodles, and you start stumbling around like a drunkard. At this point, you will either sit or fall down. So sit for a bit.
WHY DID I SIT??? I CAN’T GET UP!!!
After sitting, it will take you several times to stand up again. After the 3rd or 4th try, you’ll finally be able to stand, and feel like you accomplished a greater feat than the marathon.
I AM SO TIRED.
Finally after stumbling to the car, you’ll sit down and want to fall into a coma-like sleep, until SUDDENLY…
I AM SO HUNGRY.
Hunger on a massive level will take over your body, making you more irritable than the Incredible Hulk on a bad day.
THIS IS THE BEST MEAL I HAVE EVER HAD.
Finally, you’ll get some food. It will be the best thing you’ve ever eaten in your life, regardless of how the food ACTUALLY tastes.
WHY AM I THE WORST PERSON EVER WHO JUST ATE ALL OF THAT FOOD?
After running a marathon, you’ll be in calorie deficit. Unfortunately, your brain won’t be thinking rationally, so you’ll think you are the worst and most fat person to ever exist ever because of the amount of food you just ate.
SLEEP. LET’S SLEEP.
After this, you’ll soon become very tired, and probably go to sleep after a few hours. As for me, I slept 13 hours. Yes. 13 hours. And that’s ok. You just ran 26.2 miles.
I AM A CHAMPION.
After you wake up, you will wake up feeling like a rap stallion (yes, a rap stallion) who just won the biggest freestyle horse rap battle in your life. Your legs may hurt, but your pride is great. Just don’t let it go to your head too much, fella.