If you’re an American and alive, you’ll know fully well that Hollywood is in the business of rebooting movies or making sequels. Rebooting movies like “Total Recall” and giving everyone the sequel they have all been waiting for, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2”. (isn’t divorce heavily frowned upon in Orthodox Greek culture? Did they get divorced? Is it their kid? Why is there a second movie of this? Do we really need another one?) Not only this, but Hollywood has taken a liking to board games and children’s books, with movies like “Battleship” or the Seth-Rogen-produced “Where’s Waldo” movie that’s currently in development. With this said, it seems as though Hollywood is completely out of ideas, or will jump at the chance to make a reboot, sequel, or board game movie. Since this seems to be the case, allow me to pitch some equally terrible (or worse) movie ideas.

  • Romeo and Juliet 2: At Feud’s End
    • Sure, both characters die at the end of the play, but why not make a movie which deals with the aftermath of the death of Romeo and Juliet? After running into each other at the local pub, Lord Montague and Lord Capulet realize that they’re not really sure what started the feud in the first place, and strike up a conversation. They soon realize that they have much in common, quickly laughing off the death of their children and becoming best friends. This comedy will go full swing as the Montagues and Capulets start having dinner parties with each other, ending by inventing the game show Family Feud, as well as prophesying that Steve Harvey will one day be the greatest game show host of all time. This may not be well received by lovers of Shakespeare, but since when do they go to movies and not just watch live plays?
  • A Gritty Reboot of “Dude, Where’s My Car?”
    • While the movie “Dude, Where’s My Car?” is honestly not worth watching (in my opinion, but if you enjoy it you do you boo-boo), this gritty reboot will deal with a man who is suffering from the beginnings of Alzheimer’s disease. As he gets up to leave a coffee shop, he cannot remember where his car is parked. This movie will absolutely be a drama, dealing with the sadness that comes with Alzheimer’s, and a comic relief moment of the main character punching Jesse Montgomery III (Ashton Kutcher’s character from the original movie) square in the face repeatedly, leaving him knocked out in front of his car that he was too high to find. Audiences are sure to cry, feel emotions, want to make something of their time on earth, and laugh as an unlovable and dense character gets punched from the original film.
  • Die Hard 6: Let These Movies Die Already
    • This movie clearly won’t need a strong plot or any form of character development, just Bruce Willis and his son jumping around explosions and shooting things. Enough people just might see it to make it worth it, ESPECIALLY with a title like the one I gave, because then people will KNOW it’s the last one being made, FINALLY. Audiences are bound to love a franchise finally being put to death like it’s deserved since 2007. Yippee-ki-yay……….
  • Hungry Hungry Hippos: The Movie
    • In a world where four hippos became mutant by a barrel of green goo accidentally being dumped into the pond in East Africa where they live, these hippos begin to talk, and are continually hungry. (Yes this is incredibly close to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so far, which is purposeful so that they can have a crossover film not directed by Michael Bay. Please stop letting the man make and ruin movies, Hollywood.) While no one can afford to feed these hippos, the planet quickly comes under an alien attack, which has guns that shoot cheeseburgers. In order that the word not suffocate under piles of burgers, there are only four heroes that can save the day…that’s right…THE HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS!!!! Audiences will love the support of childhood obesity and want of instant gratification that this movie will instill in our children everywhere.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my pitches for potential movies for Hollywood to make, and if you want to somehow make one of these movies, fill out the contact information page and I would love to get in contact with you so you can pay me millions of dollars to crank out more of these ideas.