At certain times in life, I struggle being present. At work, spending time with friends, at concerts, at coffee shops, while writing......I always feel like I should be “doing more”, that “more should be happening”, or I have guilt that I’m actually enjoying being present. I always have this feeling of wanting more, or in the words of one of the greatest bands of all time (and honestly I don’t know why everyone lost their minds when they gave you a free album on your iTunes back in 2014 [yes this is a hill I will die on—U2 has never made a “bad album” FIGHT ME YOU COWARDS]), “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”. I feel restless often, and when you pair this with fears of being a failure and unsuccessful, it can be a recipe for disaster.
Back in college I realized that I was struggling with feeling like a failure and thinking I was not enough. I realized that I needed help to work past this, and I started going to counseling. (Side bar: this was honestly the best thing I have ever done for myself. If you think you might want to seek counseling—do it. It is so helpful!) I was talking with my counselor about my feelings of inadequacy, struggling being present, and wanting to “do more”. It was then that he said something that has stuck with me ever since. “It’s almost like you’re a horse stuck in a stable sometimes, Evan. You just want to RUN, but maybe it’s not time yet. Maybe now is the time to relax, absorb life, know that you are enough, and to enjoy the moments you are in currently.”
In my life, this exact advice is something I continually need to be reminded. For those of you that are into the whole “Enneagram” thing, I am an Enneagram 3w2. (I appreciate the Enneagram and have found it to be the most helpful in describing my personality, but my caveat with the Enneagram is this—it is not the “end all be all” of your personality, nor does it “know everything about you” [much like any personality test]. Also don’t blame your negative personality traits on your Enneagram number. For example, I can be a workaholic, seek validation/approval of others to a fault, and can want to be known as “THE GUY” and “A BIG DEAL” as a 3. This doesn’t mean I should just say “ah well I’m a 3 what can you do?” when someone calls me on my crap. I need to continually becoming better as a person. Ok caveat over.) In case you skipped over the parenthesis, 3’s like to be known as successful, “crushing it”, and a “boss”. (If you have ever wondered what Enneagram number you are, there are tests you can take online by Google-ing, but I would argue the quickest way is to listen to Sleeping at Last’s Atlas: Enneagram album. Whatever track feels like it’s speaking to you directly and makes you weep uncontrollably is your Enneagram number.) Unfortunately, life has a way of not panning out to make you be successful—in fact you will probably fail and not be successful 9 times out of 10, and losing is a giant part of being a human being. Losing well is an art form that I have wrestled with time and time again, and will continue to wrestle with for the rest of my days.
While I have written about losing before, I wanted to write this as an ode to any fellow Enneagram 3’s who may be wrestling with thinking they are not good enough. An ode to those who are feeling restless. An ode to those who are feeling like they should be “doing more”. An ode to those who feel like “more should be happening” in their efforts. There are many reasons of why this may be, so I’ll just jot down some reasons that I have personally faced when I begin to feel this way:
You Suck at Your Job
This one is the hardest, to be honest. You got a job. You thought you would be great at it. You thought you would be the “Captain of Excellence”, the “King/Queen of _______________”. You keep giving it your all, but it just keeps not working. And it is not that you didn’t have training, that you’re not trying, or that you’re lazy. It turns out that you’re just bad at your job. Plain and simple. OOF. (We type 3’s HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE being bad at things.) Maybe the time of transition is coming, whether you are ready for it or not—and this can be PAINFUL.
The Outcome You Expected Did Not Happen
Maybe you finally got the hutzpah to swing for the fences and ask that person out, and they said “no”—even though you two were DEFINITELY “vibing” (and your friends swear you’re not crazy and saw the “vibes”, too). Maybe you had 3 interviews, but didn’t get the job. Maybe you had a meeting, and the person you met with was NOT on board with your pitch. Whatever it was, it left you feeling like you got sucker punched in the gut and left you asking “what in the hell just happened?”
You Didn’t Immediately Succeed
As a 3, we like to see RESULTS. Maybe you started writing blogs and making videos and 457909132 people didn’t flock to your website (not that I personally experience this every Tuesday or anything). Maybe you’ve been working out VERY consistently for 3 weeks and don’t yet have a 6-pack. Maybe you’re trying to learn a new skill, like painting or playing an instrument, and did not immediately paint like Leonardo Davinci or make the perfect melodies you have in your brain. It makes you wonder, “why do I even try?”
You Feel Guilty for Resting Because You “Should Be Accomplishing More”
Maybe you worked 50-60 hours this week. You had “risen and ground (grinded? No…I don’t like grinded. It sounds like I’m talking about my freshman year of high school Sadie Hawkins dance where I felt weird and wanted to go home)” with the best of them. You crushed it at work. But guess what? There’s still more work to be done. Friday night you finally took time to rest and watch a movie in your sweatpants at home, or you went out for dinner and drinks with friends. But WOW, now you feel guilty. You SHOULD have been working on ________________. And that is the problem. There is ALWAYS MORE WORK to be done.
All four of these reasons ultimately come from a misplacement of our identity. We have wrapped up our identity in:
our career (or “I am what I do”)
how we are perceived (or “I am what other people say or think of me”)
But we are so much more than that. When we type 3’s are at our most healthy, we are “Self-accepting, inner-directed, and authentic, everything they seem to be. Modest and charitable, self-deprecatory humor and a fullness of heart emerge. Gentle and benevolent.” Instead of directly tying in what is happening to our identity, there is a chance that there is a learning opportunity happening that we shouldn’t miss.
If you suck at your job, this doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means it is time to change course, and begin a new career that you WILL crush it at. If you had an unexpected outcome occur, I can guarantee you it will work out in the end (as hard, crushing, frustrating, and confusing as this time may be). If you’re not immediately succeeding, know that it takes roughly 12,000 hours to master something. If you put the time in and keep after whatever you’re trying your hand at, EVENTUALLY you’ll become amazing at it. If you feel guilty for not working more, know that humans need rest, and rest is a GOOD thing—learn to enjoy it.
Type Three—your identity is SO MUCH more than your job, your possessions, what others say of you, or the amount of work you produce. If you are reading this, know that you are enough, and Loved more than you could ever know. Maybe you’re at a spot where you need “to relax, absorb life, know that you are enough, and to enjoy the moments you are in currently.” Running is good, but sometimes we need to learn to enjoy our time in the stable. It’s time to stop looking for the next thing, and learn to enjoy the present.
Won’t you join me?