Before I start this post, I'd like to say one thing. This is meant to be funny. If you don't have a sense of humor, turn back, and go back to the webpage you were on. I won't be offended, and neither will you. With that said, you've been warned, and enjoy my satirical (and one just plain silly example of why I'm a bad Christian) piece on American Christian Culture.

I hate Christian radio.

  • The reason I hate Christian radio? Simple. It's the same four chords in every song, most stations are trying to help 30 to 40 year old moms that want to be "encouraged" (examples: Francesca Battistelli - "This Is The Stuff That Drives Me Crazy"; Jamie Grace - "I Love the Way You Hold Me"), and I feel like most songs don't deal with the grittiness that is the Gospel, and put too much of a focus on being family friendly instead of pointing out our sin and our desperate need of a Savior (Jesus). You know, because The Bible doesn't have things like sex, murder, lying, jealousy, greed, and other deplorable things that God redeems us from.

I can't memorize Scripture well.

  • Some people are WONDERFUL at memorizing Scripture, and I love these people. Unfortunately, having ADHD, memorization has always been my downfall in school and tests. I once was told "if you don't have the word firmly sealed in your heart and mind, you're not walking fully in the Spirit." I love God above all, pray and read Scripture daily, and continue to strive to become more like Jesus. According to some, however, I am not living out my faith to the fullest because I say, "somewhere in the Ephesians Paul says..." or "somewhere in Psalms it says..." and paraphrase it, then skimming my Bible to find it, but I digress.

I'm in my mid-20s, and still don't have a girlfriend and don't plan on getting married soon.

  • The reason? I have ridiculously high standards for the person I'm hoping to find to be my wife. It's not that I'm busy playing WoW or Call of Duty, because I honestly don't play video games and don't plan on lowering my standards or settling. The reason I don't want to get married soon? I'm still single, and the thought of only dating someone for six months and then marrying them terrifies me. I'm not scared of commitment, it's more of thinking I won't fully know the person for that short of a period of time. And I'm still single. Maybe I would feel differently after meeting the woman of my dreams, but until then I don't see that happening.

I don't always feel like raising my hands when the worship leader says, "EVERYONE RAISE YOUR HANDS".

  • I'm sure that you've been in a church service before where the worship leader says, "ok church, for this song, let's raise our hands and REALLY submit to The Lord." Do I have a problem submitting to The Lord? Absolutely not. Since I am a Christian (and studying to go into ministry), I would say that my entire life should be submitting to The Lord. For some people, they need to raise their hands during singing to feel God's presence, and that's fine, I just don't think we need to force everyone to make some people feel 100% comfortable doing what they should already be doing if that's how they worship.

I have a drug addiction.

  • Everyday by 11am, I need a cup of coffee. If I don't have this cup of coffee, I start getting a headache. When I get this headache, I become grumpy. When I become grumpy, I become less like Jesus. People have told me that I should try to stop drinking coffee so I no longer have a caffeine addiction. Unfortunately, I do not feel convicted by the Holy Spirit to quit drinking coffee, and completely LOVE the taste of it. If you disagree with me and think I should feel convicted about this, pray for me. I don't even mean that in a facetious way, either. If I'm supposed to be convicted about this, and you pray for me, I will become convicted about drinking coffee.

I once farted during communion.

  • This one should be fairly self-explanatory, but I will further explain. Many denominations and churches do communion differently, but I was working at this church at the time doing youth ministry, and we happened to go to the altar, kneel on a kneeler, and receive communion. Suffice to say, I have Crohn's disease, and sometimes I cannot hold back when I have gas. As I got onto the kneeler, I felt a storm in my stomach start to form. I knew it wouldn't be long until I had to unleash the kraken from my spleen, but was determined to hold it in for as long as possible. The first person on the kneeler got served. The second person got served the eucharist. As the third person began to get served, I knew I couldn't hold it in any longer. I silently slipped out my fart, hoping it wouldn't smell. It REEKED. Right before we prayed, the entire kneeler of people had a disgusted look on their face—not from thinking about their sin or the price that Jesus had to pay for our sins, but because of the God-forsaken smell that was invading their nostrils. I never said "excuse me" or acknowledged it. If you were on the kneeler when this happened and are reading this, I am sorry I drew away your thoughts from Jesus during communion.

I don't yell over people I disagree with.

  • Non-Christians normally have one problem with Christians. "They're too pushy with their beliefs." Since this is a prevalent problem throughout the church, I attempt to go against the grain and listen to someone that I disagree with. This doesn't mean that my viewpoints of the Bible change, but this does mean that I will let someone speak their piece without me yelling over them saying "NO. YOU'RE WRONG. I AM A GOD WARRIOR"—it's as if the Bible talked against this with "be quick to listen and slow to anger." Huh.
    I don't look up to Paul.
    Now, before you go buck-wild and jump me theologically, I just want to say something. Paul still sinned. The person I look to in ministry is Jesus. He was perfect and never sinned, and knew exactly how to run the perfect ministry. I will never achieve this, but I want to be as Christ-like as possible in my ministry. Not only this, but when I look to Jesus, I become more like Him, which is what I am supposed to do as a Christian. I do understand that Paul was vitally important to the church, he is one of my Biblical heroes, but I think that I should look up to Jesus more than I look up to Paul.

I don't want to be encouraged when I go to church.

  • A lot of Christians want to go to church, feel encouraged and have a Christian walk of rainbows, unicorns, and fluffy bunnies, HOORAY! Well, to be honest, I've learned enough about my faith that I've realized that maybe 10% of my faith will be mountaintop experiences, while the other 90% is fighting my sinful nature, trying to be more like Christ, and consistently shifting my gaze back to Him from my idol-ship. When I go to church, I want to hear what the Bible has to say. Usually, this will convict me and shape me into a better Christian man. Church (the building, not the people, which is what church ACTUALLY means) is a place to come together as believers, encourage each other through our burdens and struggles.

I'm not Arminian or Calvinist.

  • To be honest, I see validity to both sides. I find both sides in Scripture. I am what you would call, Calvinian (meaning a mix of both Arminian and Calvinist). Many people fight about this issue, which I find fascinating, but when you disassociate yourself from fellow believers because of this issue, you might want to reevaluate your priorities. God wants us to be unified believers, and I think far too often we let theological concepts like these separate us from truly doing the work of Christ.

With all this said, possibly you can relate to some of these, or at least got a laugh. Something I believe strongly is that Christians need to realize it's ok to laugh, or make jokes. Hopefully this broke the ice for people to do so.

2 Comments