Valentine's Day is coming and you're single. You might be a little cynical, whether it be a bad break-up, tired of being single, or a date flaking, Valentine's Day doesn't need to be full-on poopy tacos. With that in mind, here's 10 HAWT ideas to make Valentine's Day awesome:
Don't Wear Pants All Day
In America, it seems that we've lost the art of debate and no longer can agree on most things, but I believe there’s one thing we can all agree on—PANTS ARE THE WORST. Pants are essentially prison for legs, and since it’s Valentine’s Day, you’re single, and don’t have anyone to impress, DON’T WEAR PANTS ALL DAY. You may be asking, “Evan, how can one not wear pants since this year Valentine’s Day is on a Tuesday?” Well, to answer your question, I’ll give you one word—sweatpants. For those of you that have to dress up for work, this may seem like a challenge, but fear not! You can now buy dress pants that are ACTUALLY sweatpants! They’re made for both men and women for the low low price of $100! (Seriously. There are sweatpants that look like dresspants that are one hundred dollars. 2018, what a time to be alive.) This way, if you’re single and don’t want to really be out of the house, you can be disgruntled in comfort.
Punch Dance Your Anguish Out to the Song "Lonely" by Colony House
Perhaps 2017 was a rough year for you, whether it be having your hopes crushed by your crush or going through a bad break-up. Whatever the case may be, this song might strike a cord with you. Not only that, but it’s got a pretty great beat to punch dance the anguish you may be experiencing from being surrounded by couples on such a day as Valentine’s Day.
Figure Out Ways to Reference the 2010 Hit, "Ridin Solo" by Jason Derulo Casually in Conversation Throughout the Day
In case you forgot how amazing that song is, listen to it immediately and memorize all of the lyrics. This way, when some patronizing person in a relationship asks, “how’re ya doing today, bud?” You can have the BEST response, “you know? I’m feeling like a star, you can’t stop my shine.” Leaving from work for the day? “See you tomorrow! I’m putting on my shades to cover up my eyes! I’m jumping in my ride, I’m heading out tonight!” Not only will you be the coolest person in the office, but people will think that you’re way too happy—BECAUSE YOU WILL BE.
Think About The Money You Don't Need to Spend on a S.O.
According to Forbes, Americans spent 19.6 BILLION DOLLARS two years ago on Valentine’s Day. Men averaged spending $133.16, and women averaged spending $62.14 on gifts and special plans for the day. In my humble opinion, that’s crazypants. If you’re single, you don’t need to spend $133.16. Did you feel that? That’s the feeling of money being in your pocket that will help you with the next thing on the list.
That’s right, take a page out of Donna and Tom’s book and TREAT YO’SELF. Remember that $133.16 that Americans spend on average on their S.O.? Use that money to TREAT. YO. SELF. As for me, there was a couple albums I was eyeing that I wanted to buy on vinyl. TREAT YO’SELF. I wanted to buy a new camera. TREAT YO’SELF. You get the idea. Just think of things you want, and show yourself some self-love. If you need some help getting ready to treat yo’self, I’ve provided a quality song, HERE.
Maybe you’re reading this, and you’re thinking, “but Evan, I’m already goth, so black is my attire.” If that’s NOT you, this one’s for you. Traditionally, black is the color in which one wears during a time of mourning. If for some reason you CAN’T wear no pants all day, have to be around people, and your emotions are getting the best of you once Valentine’s Day comes around, wear black. People will tell that something is different with you, (especially if you don’t normally wear black) as well as putting a scowl on your face for the day will tell people, “hey bud, I think you’re alright, but today I appreciate your distance.” That way you can not have questions like “what? You’re single? Awwww….but you’re such a catch! How?” or “did you get a date for tonight?” This way, you can go home unscathed and listen to my “The Feels” playlist on Spotify when you get home.
Anytime Someone Asks You If You Have a Date for Tonight, Play "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion & Forlornly Look Into the Distance Instead of Answering Their Question
It seems self explanatory, but in case you need help with figuring this one out, have the song cued up on your computer / phone / iPod / iPad / literally every device you own so that at ANY point you can start playing the song that will effectively deter the conversations you’d rather not have. The person will get extremely confused and eventually walk away if you maintain your focus on the distance, or look through their being and soul if they are standing in front of your view.
Call into Radio Stations & Request "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley Every Hour
Seemingly everyone is trying to have a romantic day or impress their significant other, so why not “Rick Roll” every single one of them? Imagine going on a romantic date, not having an aux cord, turning the radio on, and hearing Rick Astley’s whimsical song to ruin the mood every hour. If that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, then watch this video of a kitten instead.
When You See a Couple Kissing in Public, Throw Heart Candies at Them
Maybe at some point during the day, you’ll decide to venture out into the world. Inevitably, you’ll run into couples smooching, even if you’re at Target to pick up a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Tonight Dough for yourself*. Sometimes you just want to throw things at them, you know? So why not throw something at them that they WON’T get mad about. That’s right, candy hearts. Not only that, but then when they ask “why are you throwing these at me, is it because you’re alone today?” You can reply:
Visit Elderly People in an Assisted Living Place / Nursing Home
One thing that might actually change your perspective on Valentine’s Day is going and hanging out with the elderly. When you ask people to tell their stories about love, spend time with people that may have lost their spouse, and see their eyes light up when thinking about times of being in love and someone they held so dear, you might realize that love is wonderful, it needs to be celebrated, and to hold close the ones we love—even if it is just our mom.
*P.S. Ben and Jerry’s Sponsor me please. I will literally work your ice cream into every blog post ever for money and / or free ice cream.