In my expertise of training for a marathon, I’ve decided to share some helpful tips that have helped me in this season of training.*
- Slather yourself in body glide*
- Believe it or not, body glide is for more than preventing chafing or bleeding nipples. Make sure before the race you slather yourself in it, so you not only leave a trail of where you’ve been; while also creating a way to make the competition slip and fall, but by doing this you also can glide past competition with ease. It’s like the banana peel in Mario Cart, only you are the cart and your body glide is the banana peel.
- Eat Lots of Pasta*
- We all know something that’s important and delicious—carbs. Fancy doctors and other runners may tell you that people should watch the type of carbs you eat, but what do they know? As for me, I eat 3 pounds of chicken Alfredo 30 minutes before each race. Only the weak like Michael Scott end up throwing it up.
- Water is for the Weak*
- Speaking of weak, water is for the weak. Your body is made up of 70% water, so there’s no way you can ever get dehydrated! Your body just sucks up the water already in your body. In the words of Coach Herman Boone, “a water break? Water is for cowards. Water makes you weak. Water is for washing blood off that uniform and you don't get no blood on my uniform, boy you must be outside your mind! We are going to do up-downs, until Blue is no longer tired, and thirsty.” So don’t make Coach Boone upset—don’t drink water unless you bleed on your sweatsuit (see point nine for more on this), AND YOU BETTER NOT.
- Gatorade? More like HATERade!*
- While running a race, there are not only people that hand out water to the weak, but there are also people that hand out Gatorade. Fancy doctors and non-hardened men (or women) say that electrolytes help keep you hydrated and get your body the sugars you need, but what do they know? Gatorade is delicious, but you don’t need it while you run.
- Training is for the Weak*
- Most people will tell you to train well before you run a marathon, but I’m telling you that if you can run a mile, you’ll be fine. You DEFINITELY won’t end up laying in a pool of your own tears and vomit getting put onto a stretcher halfway through the race.
- Only Sleep 3 Hours a Night*
- Runners will try and tell you that getting the proper amount of sleep is important, but I tell you that number is 3. Sure you might start becoming delusional and hallucinating, but you might start thinking you’re running from zombies, and that WOULD make you run faster, not collapse from exhaustion, right?
- Wear Flip-Flops for the Race*
- Runners say that the right shoes make a huge difference and help keep your body in tip-top shape. But as we all know, comfort is king. So what’s more comfortable than flip-flops? Wear those. You’ll be fine, and will sound so much cooler and will look awesome trying to keep flip-flops on your feet all race long, which would earn it’s own medal if you accomplished it.
- Let Me Win*
- Winning isn’t everything, which is why you should humbly let me accept the title of winner. It will be a hard burden to take the first place medal, but I’m willing to carry the load if you allow me to have it.
- Wear Your Best Thermal Sweat Suit for Race Day*
- Runners might tell you what kind of clothes are best for wearing when running a marathon, but I’m telling you that if you REALLY want to get a good workout in, wear a sweat suit to REALLY get those calories burning. It DEFINITELY won’t dehydrate you and make you turn into a pile of exhaustion and salt-laden skin.
- Take Large Gasping Breaths*
- Runners and doctors might tell you that breathing is important and there’s a certain way to do it, but I’m telling you that gasping breaths are the way to go. When you do this, you’re making your brain think, “wow. I must really be putting quite the workout in! I need a lot of air!” Which of course, makes you run faster.
Hopefully you found these tips useful, and now feel confident to run a marathon.*
*this is a purely stupid, silly, and terrible advice, nor am I qualified to give this type of advice, even if it was good advice. This is meant to be funny, so DO NOT do these things. There. Now you can’t sue me. The links that are not on people or quotes though have very good advice from qualified people though, if that is in fact what you are looking for.