Lots of people ask me, “wow Evan”, you always look so good during the summer, and you run. How do you do it? Well, to tell you the truth, I generally run for the pure fact that pizza exists. But if you want to get the summer look like me, just follow these 5 simple steps to Penn N Paper’s Tips of Beauty Greatness™

Only Eat a Half of a Frozen Pizza For Every Mile You Run
This may come as a shocker, but you DON’T need to eat that whole frozen pizza you just cooked on your Pizzazz (hey if you’re reading this, hook me up, Pizzazz), because as we all know, The Pizzazz is the truth (Pizzazz sponsor me plz). It’s all about cutting back, so only eat HALF of a pizza for every mile you run. It’s simple math, really!

Be Sweating as Much as Possible
Did you know that the human body is made up of 70% water? With that in mind, the FASTEST way to lose weight and look fresh as h*ck would be to be sweating as much as humanly possible. You’ll be the hottest person about town, both literally and figuratively. The best way to accomplish this is to run everywhere you go, wear turtlenecks regardless of weather, and keep your heat on in your house at 90 degrees all year long.

Never Run
If you’re really want to cut some weight, you might assume that cardio is the best way to go. Well, hate to break it to you, but cardiNOPE, that’s not true! Try laying down as much as possible. Does this contradict the last point? Yes, but choose—would you rather be hot and running, or HAWT and laying down?

Always Be Sunburnt
Do you want to look like your life is one giant party all summer long, and you’re truly “Livin La Vida Loca”? Try being sunburnt—ALWAYS. You’ll look like you just got off the beach, and that you’re one crazy beach-party-going-son-of-a-gun. Sure, you might get skin cancer, but do you know what’s cooler than having skin cancer? Having that summer glow you’ve always dreamed of, that’s what’s cool (or hot, because you’re skin is always on FIRE, you looker you)!

Be Mean to People
There’s a common misconception that nice people go further in life. Well, being attractive means that you’re better than everyone, so feel free to look down upon and judge others all you want! You may be thinking why would being mean help, but hey, why not start now? The meaner you are, the more attractive you become. In fact, the common schlub you can now treat like complete dirt, because you’re hot!

*I am in no way shape or form a licensed doctor or a fitness guru this is all a joke (in case you’re too dense to pick up on this so don’t sue me), thanks for your time